FIRST. ARTICLE. EVAR.
Okay, we got that out of the way. Let’s talk about that doozy of a pre finale on Game of Thrones last night. BE WARNED, HERE BE SPOILERS.
ONE MORE TIME, THERE ARE SPOILERS UP AHEAD.
I DON’T MEANT TO BE HARSH BUT IF YOU READ THIS AND YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED IT YOU ARE AN IDIOT AND IT IS NOT MY FAULT IF I RUINED GAME OF THE THRONES FOR YOU.
You’ve been warned. If you didn’t know, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss and the rest of the crew have a consistent format for every season of Game of Thrones. The first eight or so episodes usually contain a lot of buildup (with plenty of good stuff in between, of course), culminating to something cray cray in episode nine, and concluded by an end-tying resolution 10th ep.
So, if you’ve been playing close enough attention, you should have been expecting a cray cray episode last night. AND SEVEN HELLS WAS THAT A CRAY CRAY EPISODE LAST NIGHT.
Let’s start from the beginning. The-only-Stark-anyone-still-cares-about was showing Mama Stark how he was going to sneakily take Casterly Rock right from Tywin Lannister. We all fist pumped at the idea. But, in order to do so, Robb would need the support of those ugly Freys…
The King in the North makes a visit to old Argus Filch. He apologizes and offers his uncle in place of him to marry one of Frey girls. We get a glimpse at those warlocks and it is not unfair to say that the Frey girls have probably had a scuffle or two with an ugly stick (they did not win).
Meanwhile, Daenarys, Daario, and Jorah talked about sacking a city. Jorah seemed a little jelly of pretty boy Daario…
Sam dropped some knowledge on a wildling (is she considered a wildling? Or just Craster’s daughter/granddaughter/half-sister/cousin?) and is labeled a Wizard. What.
Aria is so close to her family she could stick a sword in the Hound’s skull…
Jon Snow and Co. think they can sneak up on a horse breeder (“If we crouch, they won’t see us running across the open field!” – Tormund Giantsbane), but clumsy Jon, you hit your sword on a rock! They chase the horse breeder to the outside of a tower where….
…Bran and Goonies are camping out! They’re soooo close! They try to keep it quiet, but Hodor can’t keep his shit together, so Bran has to get his Warg on and knock Hodor’s ass out.
Whoa! Did Bran just become interesting?!
While all this is going on, Jon is finally outted as a spy. With some help from a Bran-controlled Direwolf (Summer, I presume?), he is able to kill Orell and get away. No more tongue action for you, Ygritte!
He’s also attacked by Orell’s eagle. Which reminds me, did everyone hear about the avian awareness thing? It was my understanding that everyone had heard.
Did I get ya?
I digress. Jojen tells Bran he just did something no Northerner can do by getting into Hodor’s mind. But obviously Sam is the only Wizard in Game of Thrones.
Across the sea, Jorah, Daario and Barrack Obama snuck into Yunkai and kicked some serious Yunkai ass. Dany has a new city.
Finally: the Edmure and Ugly Frey Girl X wedding. Surprise! Ugly Frey Girl X is actually Cute Frey Girl! Way to go Edmure! You landed Cute Frey Girl!
Filch Walder Frey gave Robb the old you-could-have-had-Cute-Frey-Girl look.
There’s a reception in a big hall. Edmure’s happy. Cute Frey Girl is happy. Robb and his hot wife are happy. She tells him that she’s pregnant and that she wants to name the baby Eddard. NED LIVES ON!!!!
Then something weird happens. After Edmure and Cute Frey Girl are carried away to do the dirty, Catelyn notices the music takes a shift (Readers will know this as “The Rains of Castamere”, also the episode’s title). The doors shut. Bolton’s got armor on. Something’s fishy here.
Catelyn figures it out and tells Robb to GTFO. “Duhhh, what, Ma?” says Robb, as he turns around to see some rando STAB TALISA RIGHT IN THE EFFING BABY 37 TIMES. Poor Ned. Kid never had a chance.
Robb then takes about 12 arrows to the back and Catelyn gets a few as well. Mama Stark tries to take Ugly Frey Wife hostage to save Robb, but Walder don’t give an eff about nothin’. That double crossing rat Bolton slits Rob’s throat, Catelyn slits Ugly Frey Wife’s throat, and then gets her own throat slit.
While all this was going on, Aria was like 50 feet away. The poor girl was so close. And then they killed Grey Wind. ANOTHER DIREWOLF HAS BEEN KILLED. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m used to seeing Starks getting killed. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to seeing the giant dogs getting killed.
So yeah, that was pretty messed up. What does this mean for the show? Well, Robb’s army looks to be donezo. But the North Remembers….right? RIGHT?!
There’s lots to discuss about the episode. What did you think of the Red Wedding? Why is George R.R. Martin such a jerk to the Starks? Leave a comment and we’ll discuss!
 S1.E9 – Ned’s CAPA IS DETATED FROM HIS HEAD, S2.E9 Battle at Blackwater!!!!
 If I say “cray cray” one more time in this article, feel free to stop reading.